Coffee and a Cigarette


Snow!

Perhaps I am a bear, or some hibernating animal underneath, for the instinct to be half asleep all winter is so strong in me.

Anne Morrow Lindbergh

 

I really, really don’t like the winter. I don’t like the cold, I don’t like the dark, and I don’t like feeling like crud all winter long because I forgot to bring my coat to work 2 weeks ago. I get all itchy, my skin dries up. For some reason I get a fever every other day, and my lips chap up like a mofo. Not to mention the cold sores I’m already plagued with. My body is like a battlefield and it’s losing the weather! DAMN YOU JANUARY! I can’t drive anywhere, because I live up on a mountain. And when it snows, or rains, it gets frozen, and we don’t have a road service in Rednecklandia. I drive a mid-late ’80s sports car that’s rear wheel drive. There’s no way I’m making it up or down this mountain.

Most of winter has lost it’s magic for me. I used to love the snow. I used to love the exhilaration of going outside when it was 20 degrees out in a tank top and shorts and run around in it. The burn in my lungs and the loss of feeling in my limbs. I don’t enjoy these things any more. I’m watching my childish pleasures slip away from me, and there’s nothing I can do about it. And frankly, it’s depressing as hell.

Snow. I still love snow, but I don’t get excited for it like I used to. When the forecast says, “Snow.” The first thoughts that run through my mind look something like this:

“How am I going to get to work? What if I can’t, can I afford to miss work? Do I have enough food? Will the power get knocked out? Will I get to play in it? Yay! Snow! Oh, shit, snow is cold. Why do I like it?!”

Being an adult is really knocking the fun out of a lot of the simpler pleasures in life. It is filled to brimming with worries and anxieties that are probably left alone. I can worry about all those things all I want, but if those things happen, they happen and there’s nothing I can do. Yet, still I worry. Adulthood sucks. In fact, you know what? I should be outside playing in the snow until my nose is running blood. But I’m comfortable here in my warmth.

I guess, this year, I’m not so excited by the snow because I’m holding a grudge against it. Yes, that’s right, a grudge against snow. The snow prevented me from seeing my family this year. They were at my house! And I was not. Snow on Christmas day effectively made it the worse Christmas I have ever experienced. Even worse than that Christmas my sister threw a dress up shoe at my head and made me bleed everywhere. I don’t usually have bad Christmas’s. I’ve had a fairly good and nurturing childhood. Even though my family has generally always lived under the poverty level, and I never really got cool toys for Christmas, I always understood what my parents were doing for me.

Maybe I’ll go outside here in the dark and make a snowman. But I probably won’t. Blasted cold.

Adrienne

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