Coffee and a Cigarette


Simple questions get long winded answers here.
January 13, 2011, 8:49 pm
Filed under: Bad Days, Things About Me | Tags: , , , , ,

What made you decide to start a blog? If you’ve blogged about this before, go back and read it. Is that still the reason? What’s changed?

I have, actually blogged about this before. I started this blog for purely selfish reasons. I don’t really care if I get readers (though don’t be fooled I love it when you come by), and I don’t do this for money. I do this for my mental health. Writing has always helped me sort out my brain, even when it has nothing to do with my current issues. I used to keep a journal, but I want to take it public, so the baring of my soul wouldn’t be only for a journal. I want people to see this.

I started this one sleepless and horrible night. I spent the night clutching onto my husband (who was sleeping heavily) crying and scared. I was having a freak out. I came to the horrible realization that one day, I was going to die. And not just me, my husband, my family, my friends, my animals, we are all going to die. And that scares the living hell out of me. And sometimes that fear sneaks in out of nowhere and paralyzes me.

My husband, he tries so hard to help me, but all he can really do is be there to catch my tears, and hold onto me when I feel like I’m just losing my mind. And it helps a lot, but I can’t calm down until I’ve written about it. Thus, this was born.

I don’t have a plan for this blog, I never did. I just wanted something to help me when I needed it, and for now this works. One day, I will get a psychiatrist or something, but I can’t afford that now. So for now, I just cope.

Adrienne



Fears
October 25, 2010, 9:27 pm
Filed under: Bad Days, Things About Me | Tags: , , , , , , ,

“The fear of death is more to be dreaded than fear itself.”

Publilius Syrus

 

I am afraid of dying. It keeps me up at night. Last night, while my husband slept, I held onto him and cried, because I knew that one day, I would lose him. Sometimes, it just hits me so hard it is absolutely debilitating. I am afraid of dying. I am afraid that the people I love will die. I think it’s irrational sometimes. Like a phobia. I have always been this way. I used to have (and I use this term hesitantly) out of body experiences. I would feel hell, I would see it. I was there. And it always scared me so tremendously that I literally could not do anything all day, but reassure myself that I have plenty of time to figure it out.

But what if I don’t? I could die right now. There are meth addicts in the area, what if one  breaks in and attacks me? (See how my root fear of death sprouts other slightly more irrational fears?) What if I have a terminal illness that has been slowly killing me since I was a child (and maybe I’ve been watching too much House)? Car wreck? Allergic reaction? Sometimes, I forget to breath, what if I forget how to breath for long enough to suffocate? I do realize that some of these may seem silly to you, but when you’re in the middle of a full blown panic attack, nothing is silly. It is all very serious.

I’m afraid of dying. I’m afraid of hell, I’m afraid that there is nothing, and I think I might be afraid of heaven. Is it because I don’t know what to expect? Maybe, or partly yes. I am afraid that the people I love won’t be there. Wherever I go after my heart stops beating, I don’t want to be alone.

I’m afraid that it just ends. What if I just cease to exist? Does that mean I didn’t have a soul after all? I think I have a soul. I guess I can’t prove it, but I still believe I do.

Every time I go through an episode, I start doubting everything I believe so heavily, it breaks my heart. I don’t know what to do? Do I seek professional help? I can’t afford it. But maybe I need it? I dunno.

I don’t have any answers, and if anybody, absolutely anybody has any input, please give it to me. Even if I don’t agree with your point of view, I would love to see it. Maybe it will help my perspective.