Coffee and a Cigarette


Perhaps I am a bear, or some hibernating animal underneath, for the instinct to be half asleep all winter is so strong in me.

Anne Morrow Lindbergh


I really, really don’t like the winter. I don’t like the cold, I don’t like the dark, and I don’t like feeling like crud all winter long because I forgot to bring my coat to work 2 weeks ago. I get all itchy, my skin dries up. For some reason I get a fever every other day, and my lips chap up like a mofo. Not to mention the cold sores I’m already plagued with. My body is like a battlefield and it’s losing the weather! DAMN YOU JANUARY! I can’t drive anywhere, because I live up on a mountain. And when it snows, or rains, it gets frozen, and we don’t have a road service in Rednecklandia. I drive a mid-late ’80s sports car that’s rear wheel drive. There’s no way I’m making it up or down this mountain.

Most of winter has lost it’s magic for me. I used to love the snow. I used to love the exhilaration of going outside when it was 20 degrees out in a tank top and shorts and run around in it. The burn in my lungs and the loss of feeling in my limbs. I don’t enjoy these things any more. I’m watching my childish pleasures slip away from me, and there’s nothing I can do about it. And frankly, it’s depressing as hell.

Snow. I still love snow, but I don’t get excited for it like I used to. When the forecast says, “Snow.” The first thoughts that run through my mind look something like this:

“How am I going to get to work? What if I can’t, can I afford to miss work? Do I have enough food? Will the power get knocked out? Will I get to play in it? Yay! Snow! Oh, shit, snow is cold. Why do I like it?!”

Being an adult is really knocking the fun out of a lot of the simpler pleasures in life. It is filled to brimming with worries and anxieties that are probably left alone. I can worry about all those things all I want, but if those things happen, they happen and there’s nothing I can do. Yet, still I worry. Adulthood sucks. In fact, you know what? I should be outside playing in the snow until my nose is running blood. But I’m comfortable here in my warmth.

I guess, this year, I’m not so excited by the snow because I’m holding a grudge against it. Yes, that’s right, a grudge against snow. The snow prevented me from seeing my family this year. They were at my house! And I was not. Snow on Christmas day effectively made it the worse Christmas I have ever experienced. Even worse than that Christmas my sister threw a dress up shoe at my head and made me bleed everywhere. I don’t usually have bad Christmas’s. I’ve had a fairly good and nurturing childhood. Even though my family has generally always lived under the poverty level, and I never really got cool toys for Christmas, I always understood what my parents were doing for me.

Maybe I’ll go outside here in the dark and make a snowman. But I probably won’t. Blasted cold.



Tá sé in aghaidh na seachtaine fada.

Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved.

Helen Keller (1880-1968)

This week has been a long one, I say. Actually, since Christmas things have been taking a downward spiral. Our (my husband and I) finances are grim. Our only car, the one we have to share to get to work in the first place, is broken. So now neither of us can get to work. We didn’t make enough money in the first place to fix our car, but now we’re missing work and definitely can’t do so. Yay for catch 22s.

Oi, it makes me sick. I had a plan. We had a plan. I was out looking for better jobs. I was pounding out resumes and applications and phone calls like it was nobodies business. Now, if someone wants an interview, I have no way of getting there. It’s like I am destined to fail. I am so discouraged. I just want to cry.

But that really isn’t all. I didn’t get to see my family on Christmas because I got stuck out of town in the snow. My hours got cut again because the Christmas season died down, and now I’m just thinking, “What’s the point of even going to work now?”

Tuesday, during the day, everything was good. We got hubby’s phone fixed. I dropped some applications off in town. We had lunch at goddamn Hooter’s. We went home, I put in more resumes. Hubby goes to Wal-Mart to get us some food, comes back up the mountain, and then we don’t have a clutch any more. It just fucking went out. So hubby sits down to chill out and play some video games (this is late night.)

We wake up the next day, we didn’t set an alarm because hubby thought he didn’t have to work. One of his co-workers text messaged him to inform him that he had been suspended, even though they knew his car wasn’t working and he wouldn’t have been able to get there any ways. I was so pissed. I was ready to call his boss and lose my head on him. I had to put my phone down and walk away before I got fired. I had a rant ready and everything. Oh, how I can’t wait for him to quit! I will go in there and say so many things some of them might cry. How sweet it will be!

I try to keep language out of my posts, but honestly, I don’t even give a shit any more. I’m frustrated, and I will swear, sometimes, like a sailor. I am a Navy brat after all.

Well, now I’m done.

Maybe my next post will be happier. And maybe even sooner than the last.