Coffee and a Cigarette


That’s …. Better?
January 8, 2011, 10:46 am
Filed under: Good Days | Tags: , , , , , , ,

It’s just been revoked!”
“Ah, Peter, he didn’t really set you up for that Lethal Weapon line, it doesn’t really work here.”
“Oh. I’ll have what she’s having!
“That’s . . . better?”
-Family Guy- Lois Kills Stewie

Well, so far today has been better for me. I think. I’ve only been awake for an hour and a half though. But I’m hoping it stays this way. I don’t have anything to do today. If anything gets bad, I’m just going to go back today. I don’t have the energy to deal with stress, anxiety, worry, depression, anger, or mild annoyances today.

Surprisingly, last night at work was pretty good. I was looking for a fight though. On the way to work somebody tail-gated me all the way down my mountain. How I wish I could have kicked his truck driving ass. I actually don’t have a problem with truck drivers, I love trucks. I would, however, like to point out that driving a truck (of any sort) does not mean you own the damn road. It means you own a truck. You still have to follow the same laws I do. And I’m sorry that I won’t risk my driving record so you can get to the SAME place I’m going at the same time. My husband already has a billion speeding tickets going against us and our insurance.

Seriously, I live in a small town. There are two stop lights. And we all get stuck at them.

Oh did I mention I have a kitten? She’s adorable. She’s the product of my other cat’s supposed spaying. So . . . we got her spayed again. That was fun. Any ways, whenever I feel bad I just cuddle with my zoo of animals. I only have 4 now, and one lives in a tank (she’s a snake) so I don’t really cuddle with her. But my puppy and my kitties are cuddly. 🙂 Animals have a great talent for making me feel happy again. I think that’s why I keep them around. Like blonde-dog. She’s silly, destructive, and I’ve failed at potty-training her apparently. She’s so sweet, and fun to be around though.

Well, I have really run out of words to say. I didn’t really have a lot of words in the first place. I’m just bored, and I didn’t want to just sit here and stew, so I tried to do something constructive, since I’ve already cleaned.

Well, good bye.

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A little short
January 7, 2011, 5:40 pm
Filed under: Bad Days | Tags: , , , , ,

So, new update:
My microwave (brand new) has a short circuit, ruined a breaker, and is now useless. Thankfully, there’s a warranty, but still. I ONLY HAVE MICROWAVED DINNERS RIGHT NOW.



Tá sé in aghaidh na seachtaine fada.

Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved.

Helen Keller (1880-1968)

This week has been a long one, I say. Actually, since Christmas things have been taking a downward spiral. Our (my husband and I) finances are grim. Our only car, the one we have to share to get to work in the first place, is broken. So now neither of us can get to work. We didn’t make enough money in the first place to fix our car, but now we’re missing work and definitely can’t do so. Yay for catch 22s.

Oi, it makes me sick. I had a plan. We had a plan. I was out looking for better jobs. I was pounding out resumes and applications and phone calls like it was nobodies business. Now, if someone wants an interview, I have no way of getting there. It’s like I am destined to fail. I am so discouraged. I just want to cry.

But that really isn’t all. I didn’t get to see my family on Christmas because I got stuck out of town in the snow. My hours got cut again because the Christmas season died down, and now I’m just thinking, “What’s the point of even going to work now?”

Tuesday, during the day, everything was good. We got hubby’s phone fixed. I dropped some applications off in town. We had lunch at goddamn Hooter’s. We went home, I put in more resumes. Hubby goes to Wal-Mart to get us some food, comes back up the mountain, and then we don’t have a clutch any more. It just fucking went out. So hubby sits down to chill out and play some video games (this is late night.)

We wake up the next day, we didn’t set an alarm because hubby thought he didn’t have to work. One of his co-workers text messaged him to inform him that he had been suspended, even though they knew his car wasn’t working and he wouldn’t have been able to get there any ways. I was so pissed. I was ready to call his boss and lose my head on him. I had to put my phone down and walk away before I got fired. I had a rant ready and everything. Oh, how I can’t wait for him to quit! I will go in there and say so many things some of them might cry. How sweet it will be!

I try to keep language out of my posts, but honestly, I don’t even give a shit any more. I’m frustrated, and I will swear, sometimes, like a sailor. I am a Navy brat after all.

Well, now I’m done.

Maybe my next post will be happier. And maybe even sooner than the last.



Silly Dog
November 4, 2010, 6:06 pm
Filed under: Silly, Stories

I was wrong.  Not only is training my dog outlandishly difficult, it is also heartbreaking.  She wants so badly to please me.  Every fiber of her being quivers with the desire to do a good job.

Hyperbole and a Half

 

Firstly, this blog is hilarious, but besides the point, I totally identify with this struggle. My dog is dumb. Now, before you get all hopped up because I called my dog dumb, let me explain.

My dog is quite possibly the most adorable, the sweetest, most active, and cuddly dog I have ever met. She is so loving. She wants nothing more to play with you, cuddle with you, and then chew on your hands for the next half hour. She loves every animal she meets, plays with the cat, and so desperately wants to make friends with my grandparents’ cat. But he doesn’t like anything.

My dog, she is an otterhound mix, we’re not sure with what, but we assume some sort of small terrier. She has a terrible memory, and she is very excitable. She cannot focus long enough to learn anything. It has taken us 6 months to teach her to use the bathroom outside. Training her is very difficult.

She also runs into walls and tree stumps regularly. The vet said not to worry about it, but I still do sometimes. We found her down on near our local Sonic. She wasn’t wild, and the people at the Sonic were feeding her scraps. (Her poor little puppy belly was so bloated.) Someone purposely dumped her there. Which is very sad, because she is nothing but the sweetest dog with an adorable little heart.

She likes to sit in my husband’s lap and drop her head all the way backwards so I can pet her too. And then she leans so far over she just falls over. Maximum adorable.

 

This is exactly what my dog looks like in the face.

 

Anywho, I’m gonna go take my doggy out now, she’s wining up a noisy little storm.



Weird Things Creep Me Out

“It is a mistake to think you can solve any major problems with just potatoes.”

Douglas Adams

 

I effin’ love potatoes!

 

By the way, I taught my little sister Algebra 2 using potatoes. It was a feat. She had already taken the class once. I succeeded not with books or computers, but with potatoes. I am a genius. Pretty pointless, I know, but I don’t want this blog to constantly be a source of misery and badness. I am using this blog as a sort of self-therapy tool, but I’m not a miserable person. Sometimes my posts will be dull, or funny, or make me seem like I have brain whimsy.

So usually when you say, “Weird things creep me out,” this is what you actually mean: “Those weird-ass spiders with the long legs creep me out.” Which they do creep me out by the way, but that’s besides the point.

When I say it, I mean things like when my husband touches my toenails, it really creeps me out. And he, of course, thinks it is hilarious. It also creeps me out when he blows on my arm (he sticks his mouth on my arms and just blows on it), but not when he does it anywhere else (except my toes).  Hand wounds creep me out. I seem to have inherited this trait from my father. I just cannot stand to see people’s hands get hurt. Even if it’s just paper cuts. Gaping chest wounds are cool though. Those are normal, right? I think crickets are horrifying, but grasshoppers are fine.

I know there are other things that creep me out, but I can’t recall any of them because I got distracted. My husband was playing with a laser pointer and the dog was trying to eat the laser. It’s the epitome of adorable.

 

In some other unrelated news, I went to a gun range yesterday. I was hanging out with my husband and his friends, and his manger. I shot his friend’s 9 mil. and was attacked by it’s bullet casings. When you fire the handgun, the casings are supposed to fly off to one of the sides. However, when I fired it (and I fired a whole 15 bullet clip) the casings flew back at me and went down my shirt.

 

This is what attacked me.

Now, once ejected from the gun, they are very hot. You should not touch them immediately after they’ve left the gun. So, I had hot casings jump down my shirt, get caught on my underthings, burn my hands while I’m trying to dig them out- ALL WHILE IN FRONT OF MEN. And men my husband works with no less. It was funny, for sure. But it also hurt like hell.

So much for being cool in front of the guys. That’s what always happens. I am the anti-cool, but not in any sort of cool ironic way. I am just not cool.

That is all, farewell for now!



Fears
October 25, 2010, 9:27 pm
Filed under: Bad Days, Things About Me | Tags: , , , , , , ,

“The fear of death is more to be dreaded than fear itself.”

Publilius Syrus

 

I am afraid of dying. It keeps me up at night. Last night, while my husband slept, I held onto him and cried, because I knew that one day, I would lose him. Sometimes, it just hits me so hard it is absolutely debilitating. I am afraid of dying. I am afraid that the people I love will die. I think it’s irrational sometimes. Like a phobia. I have always been this way. I used to have (and I use this term hesitantly) out of body experiences. I would feel hell, I would see it. I was there. And it always scared me so tremendously that I literally could not do anything all day, but reassure myself that I have plenty of time to figure it out.

But what if I don’t? I could die right now. There are meth addicts in the area, what if one  breaks in and attacks me? (See how my root fear of death sprouts other slightly more irrational fears?) What if I have a terminal illness that has been slowly killing me since I was a child (and maybe I’ve been watching too much House)? Car wreck? Allergic reaction? Sometimes, I forget to breath, what if I forget how to breath for long enough to suffocate? I do realize that some of these may seem silly to you, but when you’re in the middle of a full blown panic attack, nothing is silly. It is all very serious.

I’m afraid of dying. I’m afraid of hell, I’m afraid that there is nothing, and I think I might be afraid of heaven. Is it because I don’t know what to expect? Maybe, or partly yes. I am afraid that the people I love won’t be there. Wherever I go after my heart stops beating, I don’t want to be alone.

I’m afraid that it just ends. What if I just cease to exist? Does that mean I didn’t have a soul after all? I think I have a soul. I guess I can’t prove it, but I still believe I do.

Every time I go through an episode, I start doubting everything I believe so heavily, it breaks my heart. I don’t know what to do? Do I seek professional help? I can’t afford it. But maybe I need it? I dunno.

I don’t have any answers, and if anybody, absolutely anybody has any input, please give it to me. Even if I don’t agree with your point of view, I would love to see it. Maybe it will help my perspective.