Coffee and a Cigarette

Things are a’changin’.
April 6, 2011, 9:48 pm
Filed under: Stories, Things About Me, Uncategorized | Tags: , , ,

So being pregnant with twins thus far has been an adventure. Perhaps that is an understatement. So far I’m having to move somewhere I’ve never lived, change jobs, I almost died, and somehow my babies are still really healthy.

My husband, Daniel, and I are moving to Augusta so he can get a better job, and so I can be close to my family again so that they can help me with both of my babies. I don’t really mind moving, in fact I like to move. I don’t have any friends that live here, and I hate this place. It’s depressing, and ignorant. I don’t want my kids to grow up here. The schools here are so horrible that the high school students are automatically put in remedial courses when (“if “more like) they go to college. The kids out here get pregnant because they are bored. Teen pregnancy is a problem everywhere, but it is a social norm here. If my kid is going to get pregnant before she graduates it’s going to be because she made a stupid mistake, and not because she was so bored there was nothing better to do.

But my husband has friends here, and it took him awhile to get them, so he’s not so happy about leaving. And his family is already 2 hours away, now he is going to be about 8 hours from them. I don’t know… I really hope this works out for us.

Obviously, I will have to be changing jobs because of moving. And I’ll probably just transfer. Because I’ll be going on maternity leave in a few months anyways. I can’t get another job where I stand on my feet all day, and I can’t do fast food, it was too demanding on my body before I was pregnant. There is absolutely no way I would be able to work another fast food job now that I’m pregnant with twins.

So, I got this bladder infection, that I didn’t know about, because I had no symptoms. And then I started to feel sick. First, it was migraines, then it was fevers, then it was muscle soreness, and then some vomiting. I thought I had the flu. But after 3 days of fighting with a fever that wouldn’t break when I took medicine, and being in such immense pain I couldn’t move, I went to the ER.

I walk up to the sign in desk while my husband was trying to find parking, sign in and ask, “Does it help if I tell you I’m pregnant with twins?” the lady looked at my symptoms and said, “Yes, it does!” and I was talking to a triage nurse in less than 4 minutes. I thought my fever was like 100. It turns out I was going at 102.8 and rising. They take me back to an ER room, and they immediately put me on an IV with some saline solution. I went through 2 liters like it was nothing.

After they took my blood, gave me pain meds, and something for my fever, it was decided that they needed to see if my appendix was still alive. The surgeons said, “CT Scan!” my OB/GYN said, “ARE YOU INSANE?” So I got a MRI instead. But they couldn’t tell anything. Then one of the many OB/GYNs that came to see me during my 9 hour stay in the ER, decided to poke around my back.


It hurt so bad. I cried, and fell over. I wanted to punch him. I cried to him, “Why did you do that, don’t do it again!”

It turns out I had a severe kidney infection. I had to stay in the hospital for 2.5 days, and I was miserable. The surgeons still thought it was possible that my appendix was ruptured. I didn’t get to eat or drink anything until I’d been there for almost 12 hours. I was miserable. I was so thirsty. I cried tears of joy when they told me I could eat and drink.

The day I was released, the doctor on duty came in and told me that my infection had started to move into my lungs. Another day and the infection would have started destroying my bladder and my kidney, and I may not have come back from it.

But now I feel better than I did since before I got pregnant 14 days ago.

Well, goodbye for now.


I knew I’d fall off the wagon
March 12, 2011, 5:23 pm
Filed under: Things About Me | Tags: , , ,

So, I finally got my computer up an running again. It’s tentative though, the chord still doesn’t stay plugged in most of the time. Seems like I’m running on blind luck and what not.

So news…

I’m pregnant.

With Twins.

Yeah, I’m scared to death. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I can’t afford one baby, let alone two. And I don’t think I can handle it. But here I am ready to try. I hope I don’t make an absolute mess of parenthood.

Simple questions get long winded answers here.
January 13, 2011, 8:49 pm
Filed under: Bad Days, Things About Me | Tags: , , , , ,

What made you decide to start a blog? If you’ve blogged about this before, go back and read it. Is that still the reason? What’s changed?

I have, actually blogged about this before. I started this blog for purely selfish reasons. I don’t really care if I get readers (though don’t be fooled I love it when you come by), and I don’t do this for money. I do this for my mental health. Writing has always helped me sort out my brain, even when it has nothing to do with my current issues. I used to keep a journal, but I want to take it public, so the baring of my soul wouldn’t be only for a journal. I want people to see this.

I started this one sleepless and horrible night. I spent the night clutching onto my husband (who was sleeping heavily) crying and scared. I was having a freak out. I came to the horrible realization that one day, I was going to die. And not just me, my husband, my family, my friends, my animals, we are all going to die. And that scares the living hell out of me. And sometimes that fear sneaks in out of nowhere and paralyzes me.

My husband, he tries so hard to help me, but all he can really do is be there to catch my tears, and hold onto me when I feel like I’m just losing my mind. And it helps a lot, but I can’t calm down until I’ve written about it. Thus, this was born.

I don’t have a plan for this blog, I never did. I just wanted something to help me when I needed it, and for now this works. One day, I will get a psychiatrist or something, but I can’t afford that now. So for now, I just cope.



Perhaps I am a bear, or some hibernating animal underneath, for the instinct to be half asleep all winter is so strong in me.

Anne Morrow Lindbergh


I really, really don’t like the winter. I don’t like the cold, I don’t like the dark, and I don’t like feeling like crud all winter long because I forgot to bring my coat to work 2 weeks ago. I get all itchy, my skin dries up. For some reason I get a fever every other day, and my lips chap up like a mofo. Not to mention the cold sores I’m already plagued with. My body is like a battlefield and it’s losing the weather! DAMN YOU JANUARY! I can’t drive anywhere, because I live up on a mountain. And when it snows, or rains, it gets frozen, and we don’t have a road service in Rednecklandia. I drive a mid-late ’80s sports car that’s rear wheel drive. There’s no way I’m making it up or down this mountain.

Most of winter has lost it’s magic for me. I used to love the snow. I used to love the exhilaration of going outside when it was 20 degrees out in a tank top and shorts and run around in it. The burn in my lungs and the loss of feeling in my limbs. I don’t enjoy these things any more. I’m watching my childish pleasures slip away from me, and there’s nothing I can do about it. And frankly, it’s depressing as hell.

Snow. I still love snow, but I don’t get excited for it like I used to. When the forecast says, “Snow.” The first thoughts that run through my mind look something like this:

“How am I going to get to work? What if I can’t, can I afford to miss work? Do I have enough food? Will the power get knocked out? Will I get to play in it? Yay! Snow! Oh, shit, snow is cold. Why do I like it?!”

Being an adult is really knocking the fun out of a lot of the simpler pleasures in life. It is filled to brimming with worries and anxieties that are probably left alone. I can worry about all those things all I want, but if those things happen, they happen and there’s nothing I can do. Yet, still I worry. Adulthood sucks. In fact, you know what? I should be outside playing in the snow until my nose is running blood. But I’m comfortable here in my warmth.

I guess, this year, I’m not so excited by the snow because I’m holding a grudge against it. Yes, that’s right, a grudge against snow. The snow prevented me from seeing my family this year. They were at my house! And I was not. Snow on Christmas day effectively made it the worse Christmas I have ever experienced. Even worse than that Christmas my sister threw a dress up shoe at my head and made me bleed everywhere. I don’t usually have bad Christmas’s. I’ve had a fairly good and nurturing childhood. Even though my family has generally always lived under the poverty level, and I never really got cool toys for Christmas, I always understood what my parents were doing for me.

Maybe I’ll go outside here in the dark and make a snowman. But I probably won’t. Blasted cold.


Weird Things Creep Me Out

“It is a mistake to think you can solve any major problems with just potatoes.”

Douglas Adams


I effin’ love potatoes!


By the way, I taught my little sister Algebra 2 using potatoes. It was a feat. She had already taken the class once. I succeeded not with books or computers, but with potatoes. I am a genius. Pretty pointless, I know, but I don’t want this blog to constantly be a source of misery and badness. I am using this blog as a sort of self-therapy tool, but I’m not a miserable person. Sometimes my posts will be dull, or funny, or make me seem like I have brain whimsy.

So usually when you say, “Weird things creep me out,” this is what you actually mean: “Those weird-ass spiders with the long legs creep me out.” Which they do creep me out by the way, but that’s besides the point.

When I say it, I mean things like when my husband touches my toenails, it really creeps me out. And he, of course, thinks it is hilarious. It also creeps me out when he blows on my arm (he sticks his mouth on my arms and just blows on it), but not when he does it anywhere else (except my toes).  Hand wounds creep me out. I seem to have inherited this trait from my father. I just cannot stand to see people’s hands get hurt. Even if it’s just paper cuts. Gaping chest wounds are cool though. Those are normal, right? I think crickets are horrifying, but grasshoppers are fine.

I know there are other things that creep me out, but I can’t recall any of them because I got distracted. My husband was playing with a laser pointer and the dog was trying to eat the laser. It’s the epitome of adorable.


In some other unrelated news, I went to a gun range yesterday. I was hanging out with my husband and his friends, and his manger. I shot his friend’s 9 mil. and was attacked by it’s bullet casings. When you fire the handgun, the casings are supposed to fly off to one of the sides. However, when I fired it (and I fired a whole 15 bullet clip) the casings flew back at me and went down my shirt.


This is what attacked me.

Now, once ejected from the gun, they are very hot. You should not touch them immediately after they’ve left the gun. So, I had hot casings jump down my shirt, get caught on my underthings, burn my hands while I’m trying to dig them out- ALL WHILE IN FRONT OF MEN. And men my husband works with no less. It was funny, for sure. But it also hurt like hell.

So much for being cool in front of the guys. That’s what always happens. I am the anti-cool, but not in any sort of cool ironic way. I am just not cool.

That is all, farewell for now!

October 25, 2010, 9:27 pm
Filed under: Bad Days, Things About Me | Tags: , , , , , , ,

“The fear of death is more to be dreaded than fear itself.”

Publilius Syrus


I am afraid of dying. It keeps me up at night. Last night, while my husband slept, I held onto him and cried, because I knew that one day, I would lose him. Sometimes, it just hits me so hard it is absolutely debilitating. I am afraid of dying. I am afraid that the people I love will die. I think it’s irrational sometimes. Like a phobia. I have always been this way. I used to have (and I use this term hesitantly) out of body experiences. I would feel hell, I would see it. I was there. And it always scared me so tremendously that I literally could not do anything all day, but reassure myself that I have plenty of time to figure it out.

But what if I don’t? I could die right now. There are meth addicts in the area, what if one  breaks in and attacks me? (See how my root fear of death sprouts other slightly more irrational fears?) What if I have a terminal illness that has been slowly killing me since I was a child (and maybe I’ve been watching too much House)? Car wreck? Allergic reaction? Sometimes, I forget to breath, what if I forget how to breath for long enough to suffocate? I do realize that some of these may seem silly to you, but when you’re in the middle of a full blown panic attack, nothing is silly. It is all very serious.

I’m afraid of dying. I’m afraid of hell, I’m afraid that there is nothing, and I think I might be afraid of heaven. Is it because I don’t know what to expect? Maybe, or partly yes. I am afraid that the people I love won’t be there. Wherever I go after my heart stops beating, I don’t want to be alone.

I’m afraid that it just ends. What if I just cease to exist? Does that mean I didn’t have a soul after all? I think I have a soul. I guess I can’t prove it, but I still believe I do.

Every time I go through an episode, I start doubting everything I believe so heavily, it breaks my heart. I don’t know what to do? Do I seek professional help? I can’t afford it. But maybe I need it? I dunno.

I don’t have any answers, and if anybody, absolutely anybody has any input, please give it to me. Even if I don’t agree with your point of view, I would love to see it. Maybe it will help my perspective.