Coffee and a Cigarette

I promise
January 18, 2011, 1:31 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

I promise, I’m writing up a hand written copy to make an actual worthwhile blog tomorrow. I’m feeling very emotional and this computer is way too hot for me to sit down and write it all here.


I forgot to post yesterday
January 15, 2011, 11:19 pm
Filed under: Bad Days, Good Days | Tags: , , , ,

See, I failed already! Woo! I was sick and at work yesterday, so that’ll be my excuse. I also had to find painter’s tape and jury rig my computer’s charging chord because it won’t stay in the plug anymore. It just kind of falls out.

I finally got to leave the mountain. It was great.

Except the migraine and the fever. Oh well. And the drunk man demanding a refund we could not give him without getting written up or worse. He was horrible. Just awful.

I don’t really have much to say.

I’m watching Godzilla, that’s cool, right?

Simple questions get long winded answers here.
January 13, 2011, 8:49 pm
Filed under: Bad Days, Things About Me | Tags: , , , , ,

What made you decide to start a blog? If you’ve blogged about this before, go back and read it. Is that still the reason? What’s changed?

I have, actually blogged about this before. I started this blog for purely selfish reasons. I don’t really care if I get readers (though don’t be fooled I love it when you come by), and I don’t do this for money. I do this for my mental health. Writing has always helped me sort out my brain, even when it has nothing to do with my current issues. I used to keep a journal, but I want to take it public, so the baring of my soul wouldn’t be only for a journal. I want people to see this.

I started this one sleepless and horrible night. I spent the night clutching onto my husband (who was sleeping heavily) crying and scared. I was having a freak out. I came to the horrible realization that one day, I was going to die. And not just me, my husband, my family, my friends, my animals, we are all going to die. And that scares the living hell out of me. And sometimes that fear sneaks in out of nowhere and paralyzes me.

My husband, he tries so hard to help me, but all he can really do is be there to catch my tears, and hold onto me when I feel like I’m just losing my mind. And it helps a lot, but I can’t calm down until I’ve written about it. Thus, this was born.

I don’t have a plan for this blog, I never did. I just wanted something to help me when I needed it, and for now this works. One day, I will get a psychiatrist or something, but I can’t afford that now. So for now, I just cope.


Post a Day 2011 (aka Watch Me Fail Miserably)
January 13, 2011, 3:32 am
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: , , ,

So, I’m going to give this post a day thing a shot. How likely it is that I’ll succeed is about zero. I’ll probably give up by the end of the week.

Let’s face it, I’m not all that interesting, and I really hate politics. Where does that leave me?



Video Games and movies, I guess. I’m good at those. I love video games, and damn, do I love movies. Maybe I’ll post a bit about my extreme hatred of child abusers. We’ll see. Maybe I’ll make a list.

If you have any suggestions, tell me.


Perhaps I am a bear, or some hibernating animal underneath, for the instinct to be half asleep all winter is so strong in me.

Anne Morrow Lindbergh


I really, really don’t like the winter. I don’t like the cold, I don’t like the dark, and I don’t like feeling like crud all winter long because I forgot to bring my coat to work 2 weeks ago. I get all itchy, my skin dries up. For some reason I get a fever every other day, and my lips chap up like a mofo. Not to mention the cold sores I’m already plagued with. My body is like a battlefield and it’s losing the weather! DAMN YOU JANUARY! I can’t drive anywhere, because I live up on a mountain. And when it snows, or rains, it gets frozen, and we don’t have a road service in Rednecklandia. I drive a mid-late ’80s sports car that’s rear wheel drive. There’s no way I’m making it up or down this mountain.

Most of winter has lost it’s magic for me. I used to love the snow. I used to love the exhilaration of going outside when it was 20 degrees out in a tank top and shorts and run around in it. The burn in my lungs and the loss of feeling in my limbs. I don’t enjoy these things any more. I’m watching my childish pleasures slip away from me, and there’s nothing I can do about it. And frankly, it’s depressing as hell.

Snow. I still love snow, but I don’t get excited for it like I used to. When the forecast says, “Snow.” The first thoughts that run through my mind look something like this:

“How am I going to get to work? What if I can’t, can I afford to miss work? Do I have enough food? Will the power get knocked out? Will I get to play in it? Yay! Snow! Oh, shit, snow is cold. Why do I like it?!”

Being an adult is really knocking the fun out of a lot of the simpler pleasures in life. It is filled to brimming with worries and anxieties that are probably left alone. I can worry about all those things all I want, but if those things happen, they happen and there’s nothing I can do. Yet, still I worry. Adulthood sucks. In fact, you know what? I should be outside playing in the snow until my nose is running blood. But I’m comfortable here in my warmth.

I guess, this year, I’m not so excited by the snow because I’m holding a grudge against it. Yes, that’s right, a grudge against snow. The snow prevented me from seeing my family this year. They were at my house! And I was not. Snow on Christmas day effectively made it the worse Christmas I have ever experienced. Even worse than that Christmas my sister threw a dress up shoe at my head and made me bleed everywhere. I don’t usually have bad Christmas’s. I’ve had a fairly good and nurturing childhood. Even though my family has generally always lived under the poverty level, and I never really got cool toys for Christmas, I always understood what my parents were doing for me.

Maybe I’ll go outside here in the dark and make a snowman. But I probably won’t. Blasted cold.


That’s …. Better?
January 8, 2011, 10:46 am
Filed under: Good Days | Tags: , , , , , , ,

It’s just been revoked!”
“Ah, Peter, he didn’t really set you up for that Lethal Weapon line, it doesn’t really work here.”
“Oh. I’ll have what she’s having!
“That’s . . . better?”
-Family Guy- Lois Kills Stewie

Well, so far today has been better for me. I think. I’ve only been awake for an hour and a half though. But I’m hoping it stays this way. I don’t have anything to do today. If anything gets bad, I’m just going to go back today. I don’t have the energy to deal with stress, anxiety, worry, depression, anger, or mild annoyances today.

Surprisingly, last night at work was pretty good. I was looking for a fight though. On the way to work somebody tail-gated me all the way down my mountain. How I wish I could have kicked his truck driving ass. I actually don’t have a problem with truck drivers, I love trucks. I would, however, like to point out that driving a truck (of any sort) does not mean you own the damn road. It means you own a truck. You still have to follow the same laws I do. And I’m sorry that I won’t risk my driving record so you can get to the SAME place I’m going at the same time. My husband already has a billion speeding tickets going against us and our insurance.

Seriously, I live in a small town. There are two stop lights. And we all get stuck at them.

Oh did I mention I have a kitten? She’s adorable. She’s the product of my other cat’s supposed spaying. So . . . we got her spayed again. That was fun. Any ways, whenever I feel bad I just cuddle with my zoo of animals. I only have 4 now, and one lives in a tank (she’s a snake) so I don’t really cuddle with her. But my puppy and my kitties are cuddly. 🙂 Animals have a great talent for making me feel happy again. I think that’s why I keep them around. Like blonde-dog. She’s silly, destructive, and I’ve failed at potty-training her apparently. She’s so sweet, and fun to be around though.

Well, I have really run out of words to say. I didn’t really have a lot of words in the first place. I’m just bored, and I didn’t want to just sit here and stew, so I tried to do something constructive, since I’ve already cleaned.

Well, good bye.

A little short
January 7, 2011, 5:40 pm
Filed under: Bad Days | Tags: , , , , ,

So, new update:
My microwave (brand new) has a short circuit, ruined a breaker, and is now useless. Thankfully, there’s a warranty, but still. I ONLY HAVE MICROWAVED DINNERS RIGHT NOW.