Coffee and a Cigarette

Things are a’changin’.
April 6, 2011, 9:48 pm
Filed under: Stories, Things About Me, Uncategorized | Tags: , , ,

So being pregnant with twins thus far has been an adventure. Perhaps that is an understatement. So far I’m having to move somewhere I’ve never lived, change jobs, I almost died, and somehow my babies are still really healthy.

My husband, Daniel, and I are moving to Augusta so he can get a better job, and so I can be close to my family again so that they can help me with both of my babies. I don’t really mind moving, in fact I like to move. I don’t have any friends that live here, and I hate this place. It’s depressing, and ignorant. I don’t want my kids to grow up here. The schools here are so horrible that the high school students are automatically put in remedial courses when (“if “more like) they go to college. The kids out here get pregnant because they are bored. Teen pregnancy is a problem everywhere, but it is a social norm here. If my kid is going to get pregnant before she graduates it’s going to be because she made a stupid mistake, and not because she was so bored there was nothing better to do.

But my husband has friends here, and it took him awhile to get them, so he’s not so happy about leaving. And his family is already 2 hours away, now he is going to be about 8 hours from them. I don’t know… I really hope this works out for us.

Obviously, I will have to be changing jobs because of moving. And I’ll probably just transfer. Because I’ll be going on maternity leave in a few months anyways. I can’t get another job where I stand on my feet all day, and I can’t do fast food, it was too demanding on my body before I was pregnant. There is absolutely no way I would be able to work another fast food job now that I’m pregnant with twins.

So, I got this bladder infection, that I didn’t know about, because I had no symptoms. And then I started to feel sick. First, it was migraines, then it was fevers, then it was muscle soreness, and then some vomiting. I thought I had the flu. But after 3 days of fighting with a fever that wouldn’t break when I took medicine, and being in such immense pain I couldn’t move, I went to the ER.

I walk up to the sign in desk while my husband was trying to find parking, sign in and ask, “Does it help if I tell you I’m pregnant with twins?” the lady looked at my symptoms and said, “Yes, it does!” and I was talking to a triage nurse in less than 4 minutes. I thought my fever was like 100. It turns out I was going at 102.8 and rising. They take me back to an ER room, and they immediately put me on an IV with some saline solution. I went through 2 liters like it was nothing.

After they took my blood, gave me pain meds, and something for my fever, it was decided that they needed to see if my appendix was still alive. The surgeons said, “CT Scan!” my OB/GYN said, “ARE YOU INSANE?” So I got a MRI instead. But they couldn’t tell anything. Then one of the many OB/GYNs that came to see me during my 9 hour stay in the ER, decided to poke around my back.


It hurt so bad. I cried, and fell over. I wanted to punch him. I cried to him, “Why did you do that, don’t do it again!”

It turns out I had a severe kidney infection. I had to stay in the hospital for 2.5 days, and I was miserable. The surgeons still thought it was possible that my appendix was ruptured. I didn’t get to eat or drink anything until I’d been there for almost 12 hours. I was miserable. I was so thirsty. I cried tears of joy when they told me I could eat and drink.

The day I was released, the doctor on duty came in and told me that my infection had started to move into my lungs. Another day and the infection would have started destroying my bladder and my kidney, and I may not have come back from it.

But now I feel better than I did since before I got pregnant 14 days ago.

Well, goodbye for now.


I knew I’d fall off the wagon
March 12, 2011, 5:23 pm
Filed under: Things About Me | Tags: , , ,

So, I finally got my computer up an running again. It’s tentative though, the chord still doesn’t stay plugged in most of the time. Seems like I’m running on blind luck and what not.

So news…

I’m pregnant.

With Twins.

Yeah, I’m scared to death. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I can’t afford one baby, let alone two. And I don’t think I can handle it. But here I am ready to try. I hope I don’t make an absolute mess of parenthood.

I promise
January 18, 2011, 1:31 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

I promise, I’m writing up a hand written copy to make an actual worthwhile blog tomorrow. I’m feeling very emotional and this computer is way too hot for me to sit down and write it all here.

I forgot to post yesterday
January 15, 2011, 11:19 pm
Filed under: Bad Days, Good Days | Tags: , , , ,

See, I failed already! Woo! I was sick and at work yesterday, so that’ll be my excuse. I also had to find painter’s tape and jury rig my computer’s charging chord because it won’t stay in the plug anymore. It just kind of falls out.

I finally got to leave the mountain. It was great.

Except the migraine and the fever. Oh well. And the drunk man demanding a refund we could not give him without getting written up or worse. He was horrible. Just awful.

I don’t really have much to say.

I’m watching Godzilla, that’s cool, right?

Simple questions get long winded answers here.
January 13, 2011, 8:49 pm
Filed under: Bad Days, Things About Me | Tags: , , , , ,

What made you decide to start a blog? If you’ve blogged about this before, go back and read it. Is that still the reason? What’s changed?

I have, actually blogged about this before. I started this blog for purely selfish reasons. I don’t really care if I get readers (though don’t be fooled I love it when you come by), and I don’t do this for money. I do this for my mental health. Writing has always helped me sort out my brain, even when it has nothing to do with my current issues. I used to keep a journal, but I want to take it public, so the baring of my soul wouldn’t be only for a journal. I want people to see this.

I started this one sleepless and horrible night. I spent the night clutching onto my husband (who was sleeping heavily) crying and scared. I was having a freak out. I came to the horrible realization that one day, I was going to die. And not just me, my husband, my family, my friends, my animals, we are all going to die. And that scares the living hell out of me. And sometimes that fear sneaks in out of nowhere and paralyzes me.

My husband, he tries so hard to help me, but all he can really do is be there to catch my tears, and hold onto me when I feel like I’m just losing my mind. And it helps a lot, but I can’t calm down until I’ve written about it. Thus, this was born.

I don’t have a plan for this blog, I never did. I just wanted something to help me when I needed it, and for now this works. One day, I will get a psychiatrist or something, but I can’t afford that now. So for now, I just cope.


Post a Day 2011 (aka Watch Me Fail Miserably)
January 13, 2011, 3:32 am
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: , , ,

So, I’m going to give this post a day thing a shot. How likely it is that I’ll succeed is about zero. I’ll probably give up by the end of the week.

Let’s face it, I’m not all that interesting, and I really hate politics. Where does that leave me?



Video Games and movies, I guess. I’m good at those. I love video games, and damn, do I love movies. Maybe I’ll post a bit about my extreme hatred of child abusers. We’ll see. Maybe I’ll make a list.

If you have any suggestions, tell me.


Perhaps I am a bear, or some hibernating animal underneath, for the instinct to be half asleep all winter is so strong in me.

Anne Morrow Lindbergh


I really, really don’t like the winter. I don’t like the cold, I don’t like the dark, and I don’t like feeling like crud all winter long because I forgot to bring my coat to work 2 weeks ago. I get all itchy, my skin dries up. For some reason I get a fever every other day, and my lips chap up like a mofo. Not to mention the cold sores I’m already plagued with. My body is like a battlefield and it’s losing the weather! DAMN YOU JANUARY! I can’t drive anywhere, because I live up on a mountain. And when it snows, or rains, it gets frozen, and we don’t have a road service in Rednecklandia. I drive a mid-late ’80s sports car that’s rear wheel drive. There’s no way I’m making it up or down this mountain.

Most of winter has lost it’s magic for me. I used to love the snow. I used to love the exhilaration of going outside when it was 20 degrees out in a tank top and shorts and run around in it. The burn in my lungs and the loss of feeling in my limbs. I don’t enjoy these things any more. I’m watching my childish pleasures slip away from me, and there’s nothing I can do about it. And frankly, it’s depressing as hell.

Snow. I still love snow, but I don’t get excited for it like I used to. When the forecast says, “Snow.” The first thoughts that run through my mind look something like this:

“How am I going to get to work? What if I can’t, can I afford to miss work? Do I have enough food? Will the power get knocked out? Will I get to play in it? Yay! Snow! Oh, shit, snow is cold. Why do I like it?!”

Being an adult is really knocking the fun out of a lot of the simpler pleasures in life. It is filled to brimming with worries and anxieties that are probably left alone. I can worry about all those things all I want, but if those things happen, they happen and there’s nothing I can do. Yet, still I worry. Adulthood sucks. In fact, you know what? I should be outside playing in the snow until my nose is running blood. But I’m comfortable here in my warmth.

I guess, this year, I’m not so excited by the snow because I’m holding a grudge against it. Yes, that’s right, a grudge against snow. The snow prevented me from seeing my family this year. They were at my house! And I was not. Snow on Christmas day effectively made it the worse Christmas I have ever experienced. Even worse than that Christmas my sister threw a dress up shoe at my head and made me bleed everywhere. I don’t usually have bad Christmas’s. I’ve had a fairly good and nurturing childhood. Even though my family has generally always lived under the poverty level, and I never really got cool toys for Christmas, I always understood what my parents were doing for me.

Maybe I’ll go outside here in the dark and make a snowman. But I probably won’t. Blasted cold.